How to Make Friends as a 30-Something Mom

{As always, please note that I (Kaitlyn) am not a therapist. I have 12+ years in the social work field, however, and lived experience as both a 30-something and a Mom who has struggled with making friends.}

Being a parent is hard, right? After my first, and especially after my second (a surprise COVID baby), I was shocked at how challenging motherhood was. I have always been an introvert, with only a few close friends at a time, but after becoming a parent (which for me included leaving my job, as well), I found myself in a situation with no friends. All of my friends were work friends or did not have children, and that was enough to lose everyone. Added to that, for me, after I finally felt confident enough in my ability as a mom to leave the house with my child and go to a library story time, COVID hit and the world shut down. If you parented through that collective trauma, I probably don't need to tell you how challenging it was to balance safety and socialization along with people with different opinions and expectations surrounding your children. Anyway. A few years later, but now with three children, I looked up and realized that not only did I not have any friends outside of my husband, but neither did my children. That was my catalyst, and I knew something had to change. This is what I did:

Search Facebook

Social media creates this false sense of friendship and closeness. I can "like" my friend from college's posts and "feel" connected. But in reality, if I need to take one of my kids to the hospital at 2 a.m. and need someone to stay with my other children, she won't be there because we don't really have a connection. However, I found Facebook to be a helpful source for finding where other mom's are. Spoiler: sooo many moms were in the same position as me. Lonely, without real friends, looking for their tribe. Search your local Facebook groups: there are mom's book clubs, run clubs, religious clubs/Bible studies, and so much more. I've also met moms who have had success with the Peanut app and similar websites.

You Gotta Go & You Gotta Keep Going

There's no way around it. Once you've found a group, a club, something you're interested in, you gotta go do it. Here's the real sucky part: it might flop. It might not be your people the first go (think about it, did you ever go on a date with someone other than your husband? Same basic principle!). The first thing I did when I decided to make friends was a library meetup. It wasn't a flop, but it wasn't amazing. But, I proved to myself that I could get my kids ready, out of the house somewhat on time, look sorta presentable, and socialize with other women. For me that was a huge confidence boost. I don't think it's any coincidence that I met a group that I clicked with less than a month later!

Go First

I said earlier that I am an introvert, and that's true. I think if you met me you might be surprised by that. I have gotten pretty skilled at going outside of my comfort zone and talking in social situations. When you do make it to a class, a mom's meetup, or whatever you choose, you might have to go first. Prep some conversation starters. (Some easy ones are asking about their kids, their kids ages, interests, if they work outside of the home, what they like to do, etc.). I have found that a lot of the time, I am the one initiating those conversations. And I'm fine with that! I'd rather be a little uncomfortable than go back to that point a few years ago when I had no one but my husband as my friend (he's great, but let's face it, I can't vent about him to him).

You Don't Have to be Besties with Everyone, For Forever

I have accepted (well mostly) that the friends I have today may not be my friends five years from now. And, it's still worth being friends. I went through a rough friend breakup a year ago, and it took me a while to accept that this particular friendship was not a total waste - it filled an important role in my life at that time, I gained skills and insights for future friendships, and in this particular case, saw what behaviors I won't tolerate in friends. As my kids grow and get involved in different activities, I am sure that we will find ourselves in different activities and around different people; but the friendships I and we have now are still worth having and cultivating.

Nurture Your Friendships

If you are my real-life friend get ready for a confession... Sometimes I program your important events into my phone so I can remember to check in. Not because you aren't worth remembering, in fact the opposite - because realistically, it is soo easy to forget to check-in with friends, but also so important. My tip would be, once you find your friends, figure out a structure to check in and maintain those friendships. Mom's nights, park playdates, whatever works for you! Feel free to steal my idea and program reminders into your phone :) It can be so easy to turn down invites, but once you make friends try to accept the invitations. I've never hung out with friends and regretted it!

If you're reading this, I am going to assume you are in a similar position that I once was. It's a lonely place to be. You aren't alone, though. I truly, sincerely hope that the thoughts in the post are helpful :)

If you have any tips for making friends as a 30-something Mom, leave them in the comments!