When Your Friend is in Danger: Supporting a Friend Facing Domestic Violence

An important note. I (Kaitlyn) am not a domestic violence advocate or legal resource. The information shared in this blog is for educational

purposes only and should not replace professional advice. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 911 or 988 for mental health crises.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. It is am important time to address something that is unfortunately fairly common: violence in personal relationships. Statistics tell us that 41% of women and 26% of men have experienced some type of violence in a relationship. Domestic Violence (DV) can take many forms: physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, or stalking. For those experiencing domestic violence, the experience is overwhelming, confusing, and isolating. If you are a friend or loved one to someone experiencing DV, here are some tips:

Listen without Judgment

You probably, rightfully, have legitimate concerns for your friends safety. There are some frightening statistics regarding homicide and intimate partner violence (IPV); one in five homicide victims are killed by an intimate partner (Source: CDC). While DV certainly is not prescriptive of homicide, it certainly is a risk factor that can't be ignored. You might be tempted to tell your friend these statistics, or encourage them to leave. However, this can actually be more isolating to them. Instead, listen without judgment. You can say things like "you don't deserve this", "I believe you".

Respect Their Autonomy

Sometimes (oftentimes) it is not easy for victims of IPV to simply "leave". Abusers typically make their victims dependent on them - financially, emotionally, etc; isolating them from their supports over time. There are very real considerations for financial security, housing, childcare/custody, transportation, medical issues, even pets that make it a challenge to leave. Understand and respect that these choices and timelines are ultimately up to the person experiencing the violence. In fact, it takes an average of seven attempts to leave for a victim to leave for good (Source: National Domestic Violence Hotline). To say that leaving is hard is an understatement.

Encourage Safety

Your friend should develop a safety plan, if possible. A safety plan could include a burner phone, knowing resources and where to go, a plan for children or pets, important documents, a "go" bag, identifying safe people, a trigger word that if spoken will signal to you (the friend, a family member, etc) to call 911.

Share Resources

If your friend is open to it, gather and share resources that are available. There is a National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788 or click here.

If you are local to Westmoreland County, the Blackburn Center (here) is our local go-to resource for DV.

Sometimes, people are not aware of resources or are unable to access them for various reasons; knowing that they exist can be incredibly empowering.

Offer Practical Support

Consider what practical support you might be able to offer your friend Childcare, so they can attend legal, medical, financial appointments or work. Provide a ride, offer to store important documents or a "go" bag. As mentioned at the beginning, DV can become dangerous, even deadly - make sure if you offer these supports, that you are safe yourself. Even checking in with a supportive text can be helpful.

Domestic violence thrives in isolation. By showing up with compassion to those experiencing IPV, you can make an incredible difference.

If you are experiencing domestic violence, you are not alone, and help is available.