Hot Take: Your Ex Might Suck, But They're [Probably] Not a Narcissist

Hot Take: Your Ex Might Suck, But They're [Probably] Not a Narcissist

Okay, I know, controversial. We all have an ex that we low key wonder about... were they a narcissist? Just an awful person? But thanks to Tik Tok and Chat GPT, it's become too easy to "diagnose" people in our lives and assign labels or diagnostics that might not be true.

Narcissism IS real. It's a real personality disorder, characterized by a grandiose sense of self. It has a relatively low diagnostic rate, between .5%-6.2% of the population (Source: eCare Behavioral Health Institute). Far more people have narcissistic traits without meeting the criteria for a full diasnosis - approximately 20-30% of the population. It's fairly likely you know someone who has traits!

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

As stated, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is characterized by a grandiose, inflated sense of self. These individuals often lack empathy, struggle to express remose, and have a deep desire to be admired. Those with NPD are willing to exploit others for their own gain. These patterns, to be diagnosable, need to have been present since early adulthood, and the individual must have a pattern of maladaptive relationships.

Experts estimate that approximately 75% of those diagnosed with NPD are males.

Is it a problem to say my ex is a narcissist?

I mean. I certainly get the desire to understand why someone acts in hurtful ways. If you believe your ex was a narcissist, they must have been very, very hurtful towards you, and for that, I'm sorry. You didn't deserve to be treated like that. There is harm in assigning that label, however, at least in my opinion.

All humans have flashes of narcissism at times. If I do well at work, I want to be noticed and praised - that brief desire doesn't make me a narcissist.

And that's the problem - assigning that label leaves little room for people to be flawed, to misstep, and to have bad days (or weeks, or months!). And without room to err, relationships will end prematurely, when they could have grown had there been more space for imperfection. If a misguided tik tok causes you to break up with your boyfriend, who was not in fact a narcissist, you're potentially missing out on a great relationship where growth would have been possible.

Humans have some narcissistic traits on occasion. Sometimes it’s a mild but persistent need for others to admire you; other times, it’s a phase of increased narcissism because of challenging life circumstances that make you sensitive and unempathic. But jumping to the label of “narcissism” without understanding the nuances paints an inaccurate picture.

Relationships are complicated. People may act in narcissistic ways when they feel threatened, insecure, or overwhelmed, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they have a personality disorder.

Also, when we throw around words and labels, it waters down the actual clinical diagnosis that only a licensed professional can make. Real true healing may need to happen, don't get me wrong! Your pain is 100% valid regardless of if your ex has NPD or not.

So,

Maybe your ex was awful and caused a lot of pain. I believe you on that. But a narcissist? Well, possible, but statistically? Improbable.

Need help recovering from a stressful relationship, NPD or not? We are here to help!

We are located in Greensburg, PA - super convenient for folks in Trafford, Irwin, Murrysville, etc to access. Or, we also offer virtual therapy for all of Pennsylvania, so you can be in your comfy clothes in Erie, Pittsburgh, or Philly (or anywhere in Pa!) and still receive top-quality care!

This blog is written by non-clinical staff and should therefore be taken as psycheducation and opinion only and not as medical advice or a replacement for therapy. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, please call 911. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis that is not life-threatening, please call 988.