Why Setting Boundaries Can Bring Up Guilt

Have you ever said “yes” when you really wanted to say “no,” only to feel resentful, exhausted, or overwhelmed afterward?

Maybe you agreed to help someone when you didn't have the time. Maybe you answered a message when you desperately needed a break, or agreed to have Thanksgiving with your parents when you reaaaallly don't want to. Or perhaps you tried to express what you needed, only to immediately wonder if you were being selfish.

For many people, setting boundaries can bring up a surprising amount of guilt.

And that guilt doesn't necessarily mean you've done something wrong.

Which begs the question, why does setting a boundary feel so uncomfortable?

If you've spent years being the person who is dependable, accommodating, or easygoing, saying no can feel like you're suddenly becoming a different person.

You may have learned—directly or indirectly—that being a “good” friend, partner, family member, employee, or parent means putting other people's needs before your own. You might have received approval when you were helpful and experienced conflict or disappointment when you weren't, either throughout your childhood through adulthood from your parents, teachers, peers, friends, romantic partners.

Over time, you can begin to associate having needs with being difficult.

So when you finally say, “I can't do that,” your brain may interpret the discomfort as evidence that you've done something wrong. What do you mean you can't do that? Who else will!

But feeling guilty isn't the same thing as doing something wrong.

Sometimes guilt is simply a sign that you're doing something unfamiliar.

Boundaries aren't about controlling other people

A boundary isn't about telling someone else what they are allowed to do. It's about communicating what you are willing or able to do.

For example:

“I can't talk about this tonight, but I'm happy to talk tomorrow.”

“I'm not able to take that on right now.”

“I need some time to think before I give you an answer.”

“I'm going to leave if the conversation becomes disrespectful.”

These statements don't make you uncaring. They give other people information about your limits.

And other people may not always like your boundaries. That's important to acknowledge.

Someone else's disappointment doesn't automatically mean you've made the wrong choice.

Why guilt can be especially strong for people-pleasers

If you've developed a habit of keeping everyone else comfortable, boundaries can feel threatening.

You might find yourself thinking:

“What if they're upset with me?”

“What if they think I'm selfish?”

“What if they don't need me anymore?”

“Shouldn't I just help?”

These thoughts can make it tempting to abandon your boundary before you've even had a chance to see what happens.

Learning to tolerate that discomfort is often part of learning to set healthier boundaries. If you grew up in a boundary-less household, this might be an especially challenging skill to learn to tolerate.

But, the goal isn't necessarily to reach a point where saying no never feels uncomfortable. The goal is to become more comfortable with the possibility that someone might be disappointed—and to recognize that you can care about someone without always accommodating them.

You are allowed to have limits

You don't have to justify every boundary.

You don't have to be exhausted before you're “allowed” to say no.

You don't have to prove that your reason is important enough.

And you don't have to stop caring about other people in order to start taking care of yourself.

Healthy relationships have room for two people's needs, feelings, preferences, and limitations.

If setting boundaries consistently leaves you overwhelmed by guilt or anxiety, therapy can be a place to explore where those feelings come from and practice responding to them differently.

You can learn to communicate your needs while still being a caring, connected person.

Having boundaries doesn't make you selfish. Sometimes, it simply means you're learning that your needs matter, too.

Does the idea of setting a boundary sounds less appealing than the thought of stepping on a Lego barefoot? If so, give us a call. We're here to help you learn to tolerate that discomfort. After all, it's almost holiday season, and you will probably have to set a boundary if you don't want to be eating your sister in law's mashed potatoes for the upteenth time ;) Click here to get in touch with us!

Written by Kaitlyn Borris

This blog is written and maintained by non-clinical staff. Therefore, the contents of the blog should be taken as psychoeducation only and not as medical advice or a replacement for therapy. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, please call 911. For a mental health crisis that is not an emergency, please call 988.